my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
