So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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