and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
