We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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