we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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