Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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