id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
