Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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