What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Randomize