My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
