I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize