Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
