There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
