good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
