Having a random hookup so left but love u
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
