I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
