why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
