I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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