Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
