Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
