you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
