she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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