His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
