there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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