Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
