and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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