The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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