He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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