i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
