She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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