I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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