roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
