hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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