I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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