the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
