You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
