if you like me you must not know who I am
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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