This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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