The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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