The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
