Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i believe in u and ur pee
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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