if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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