So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
