I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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