If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
