he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
