There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize