I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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