You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize