you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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