there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
