Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Sorry my hands just texted you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
