Already got asked if we're dating
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
