just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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