I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
handjob tips. give me some.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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