Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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