Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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