How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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