I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
