Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
