Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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